Not at ALL What You Thought

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

With Apologies to Those Who Thought I was "the SANE One"

As I told one of my girlfriends, I don’t know if I’m awakened and/or frightened by the sound of my snoring, which is pretty phenomenal, really, or it’s a twilight-sleep thang, in which I’m dreaming, but actually believe that somebody is speaking to me from the shallow depths of my mattress, but I’ve decided that I have night terrors.

I guess I have to explain the mattress comment. Yes, the voice comes out of it. (And that’s all the explanation you’re gettin, honey, because that’s all I’ve got.) I’ve heard “Now, this is what we’re gonna do” and “Take a look at this” and folk knockin on the bedroom window, which is nothing to what I’ve seen. I’ve seen a man standing idly by the bed (I can describe him in detail even now because, that night, he showed up twice but did absolutely nothing interesting besides that), and various and sundry critters, including a tiny black and white cow (which turned out to be a non-mammalian, plastic gift bag), lyin around on the floor near the bed; even I think it’s hilarious when I’m awake and remembering it, but in the middle of the night, when I’m half(?)-asleep and half(?)-dreaming, it’s unutterably horrifying.

You know, back in the day, folk blamed these kinds of terrors on witches, whose pastime, inexplicably, was ridin half-asleep people in the wee hours of the morning. This I don’t understand, because unless an absolutely amazing capsheaf is forthcoming, I’d reckon ridin different and unwilling people in the wee hours of the morning (instead of sleepin, which is what I’druther) would be just. . . you know. . . awkward. Grown woman pretending a total stranger’s as good as a mechanical bull (or some other mechanism)? Awkward.

And wouldn’t no witch ride me long, either, I might’ve told you before, but sayin it again this time because of my normal reaction to night terrors: I LEAP out of bed. All the way. OUT, and then leap again, this time to my bedroom door, the better to hit the light switch. Only two leaps to the light switch, considering my girth and the distance, is pretty good, you know, and that tells you just how terrified I am at the time. My light switch is a remote, usually perched in its holder on the wall, but on nights when my imagination frightens me, I pull it down and take it to bed with me. Often with the TV remote.

One night, the night I had the really icky nightmare, I just kept the TV on all night long after I woke up. All night long. Nick at Nite, if you have to know, because, in addition to the fluffiness of the fare, the commercials are safe, too. (I’d like to, but cannot describe the near-heart attack I experienced one night when after wakin from a fitful doze, I opened my eyes upon a “Scariest Movies Ever” trailer. All because I thought Cartoon Network'd be safe. And right after, because I’d programmed it to, the TV turned itself off, and the room went black. Fortunately, my trusty light saber was on the floor by the bed at the time. Shudderworthy.)

Which brings me to the fact that my friends tell me my problem is my nightly Vinnie D. fix. (Christine's even gotten into the habit of askin, "What was the last thing you watched last night?") But I’m not givin him up, Trin, till the bios I read about him become a great deal less ambiguous, if you know what I mean. (And, Elayne, darling, this is not a challenge. Leave a sista her dr --fantasies.) I think, however, I need more exercise. Or, to be totally honest, some exercise. What with Thanksgiving break and the After-Thanksgiving Mystery Illness (you do not want to know), I’ve been missing my ellipticals (which took the place of my spinning class when pickin up Juice from band practice cut into that).

All this not sleepin and/or weird dreamin has me wonderin (yet again) about the meaning of dreams. But I still can’t say that the jury’s out on mysticality; I’m only mystical-minded when we talk about religion, thank you very much.

Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Jesus, my brother, You who neither slumber nor sleep, speak peace to the hearts of those of us who cannot rest.


  • At 6:23 AM , Blogger Ranuel said...

    Have you had a sleep study done? Apnea could cause exactly what you are talking about.

    Or, you know, the place may just be haunted.

    Ambiguous? What am I missing about Vinnie D?

  • At 8:00 AM , Blogger Gine said...

    Anne, I'm seriously thinkin about a sleep study. Not seriously thinkin about bein haunted. But wonderin (not for the first time) where Vinnie's wife (or girlfriend) is. . . .

  • At 1:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Wow, Gine! That's two for possible sleep apnea...

  • At 3:15 AM , Blogger ribblefizz said...

    I just had my sleep study done last night. I don't have apnea, but I do have a bizarre pattern. Most people cycle through stages 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 1 over the course of about 90 minutes, and then go to REM sleep for about 10, then repeat that cycle for the rest of the night. An average person spends 75-80% of the night in deep sleep, with the rest in REM; I do it the opposite way. And when you're not getting the right kinds of sleep in the right orders, your sleep/dreams get confused with your awake/reality, and there is some slippage.

    Nearly every time I try to fall asleep, my doorbell rings. Except I'm the only who hears it. And, there are people living in my house who wait until I go to bed, then they go about three doors down, shut the door, and have a party. I can hear them talking and laughing, and I can hear the music and glasses clinking, but I can't make out what they're saying, and when I try to get closer to where they are, they shut up.

    I'm learning all about sleep paralysis, auto-function during sleep (scarily, this describes a LOT of my driving. Get from point A to point B, and have absolutely NO recollection of the trip at all), hypnogogic hallucinations, etc.


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